Life in Albion Sucks!
by ficflicker
Summary: Ladies and gentlemen please! Would you bring your attention to me! Chapter 10 is up for you to see! You can all stop yelling now, please!
1. Oakvale Raid kills most bugs

Don't own Fable or its characters, items, haircuts, tattoos, and all the other crap in this game, and if I did they would be a lot better!

PWNAGE!

Review or surrender to Sweden (and that would REALLY suck)

Life in Albion Sucks!

Anonymous Nameless woke up one morning sitting on a step. What a loser. I'm sure half of you are wondering who that is anyway. He's whoever your fable dude is. If you've never played fable, get off the computer! If you don't own it buy it! If you can't buy it, steal it! (Not really) If you can't steal it, just die now and save yourself 80 and a half fable-less years. You don't deserve it anyway. So then, Anonymous woke up on a step in front of his house to his dad complaining about his sister's birthday…

Dad:…………and for all of your good deeds, I'll give you money. Like 1 friggin' gold piece. You can get three and buy candy that will later cost about $300 due to inflation and the "Save the Balverines" fund. Now go run around in your tiny shirt and big 'ol gloves and do good stuff.

Anonymous:………………

Dad: I thought you might say that.

And so the boy set off for about two steps when a little girl came up and said…….

Annoying midget demon: WHERE MY BEAR? I WANNA! I KEEL YOU! I KEEL! I DO I DO!

Anonymous:……………….

Annoying midget demon: GEMMY BEAR! IT STITCHED! SHE NEEDS NEW STUFFING SHOVED UP HER TINY……

Asssssss I was saying, very, veeeery annoying.

The boy wandered on when he heard strange noises coming from behind the nearby home of his friend's father, Neil. Looking around the corner he was shocked to see Neil doing…….doing………….

Anonymous: ………….!

Neil: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Other random fag: Ooooooooooooooo! This is getting better by the minute.

Neil: Look boy, if you don't tell my wife about this, I'll give you one flipping gold piece. Can you keep your mouth shut about it?

Anonymous: ……………………

Neil: I knew I couldn't trust you! You brat!

And so the boy ran down the hill toward Oakvale's town square in a mix of terror and homophobia. It wasn't long before he met up with Neil's wife, Kelly.

Kelly: Have you seen my husband?

Anonymous: …………………..

Kelly: HE WHAT!

Anonymous: ………………………

Kelly: WHY THAT……………

And soy Kelly and the boy ran up the hill and started yelling at Neil who as you can imagine was incredibly P.O.'d. The boy watched as Kelly's brain broke and she became stuck in a continuous loop. (Every married man's worst nightmare) The boy ran on to see what else he could do when a man whose pants were soaked and smelled like crap approached him.

Walking toilet with a faggy voice : Hey Lad, can you do me a faaaaaavor?

Anonymous: …………………..

Walking toilet with a faggy voice: Thanks Lad! I gotta pee! Watch these empty boxes and when I get back I'll tell your dad to give you a stupid coin equal to less than a modern penny!

Anonymous:……………

And so the man walked off to ………..well…………you know. A little annoying kid showed up who thanks to cheats off the Internet was never seen in Oakvale again. When the man returned he thanked the boy and telekinetically sent the good deed to his dad.

When the boy returned to his dad he got like three coins because on the way back he found one on the ground and avoided caring about the bear or the kid being beaten up (though he did watch). Soon he met the trader of the town.

Trader with lisp: Hey wittle boy! I'm a twadah! I wandah da wowld buying and sewwing wares to you snivewing munchkins.

Anonymous: ……………..

Trader with lisp: My fwiend who is white and mithing his nose tewws me you have a sistah! He onwy wikes wittle 'boys'. Anyway take dese undahpwiced chocowates cause I'm an idiot who has aww my money to wose.

So the boy took the chocolates and ran, swiftly kicking a passing whitey with a missing nose in his would-be nuts and dodging a flying chimp named bubbles. He met up with his sister and gave her the chocowates, (sorry,) chocolates.

Sister: I knew you'd bring me chocolates! Miss Cleo told me! She also senses doom so duck while this guy gets shot in the back!

At that moment, a guy got, well, shot in the back.. Bandits were raiding Oakvale. The boy ran, everyone died. All of a sudden ? appeared.

: Give me your hand…..

Anonymous: …………………

:…………….

Anonymous: ………………….

: O.K., that's it.

Just then it cut to an awesome cutscene of ? shooting lightning and totally murdelizing some bandit.

Later……….

Anonymous: Hey! I magically became able to talk! I never felt so……… BLECH!

He puked.

Anonymous: …………………….

: I'm Maze.

Anonymous:………………….?

Maze: Yes, my parents were drunk when I was born.

Anonymous:……………………

Maze: Anyway, let's go to the big boring place to meet baldy, I mean the guildmaster.

And so, young anonymous was brought to the heroes, guild where he met the guildmaster.

Baldy: Your training begins………………….now…………no……….I lied………..right aboooooooout…………now!………….no…………..okay in 5,4,3,2,1,1 ½, 1 ¼, 1 1/8? 0.5, 0.4, 0.3, 0.2, 0.1, ………………………pi……………………NOW!

To be continued……….

Please review!

My first story, so be honest. I f you have to be mean to tell me it sucked, go ahead. Sugar-coating it won't help me improve. Say WHATEVER you thought, good or bad.

I am at one with nuggets!


	2. The Guild, the Bald, and the Ugly

We've been over this. Me, Fable, no owny! OK!

Life in Albion Sucks part 2

As Anonymous awoke, he found himself in a,…………….wait,…………… why does this always start with him waking up? Can't he just stay awake? Stupid lazy big-gloved dork. Anyway he found himself in a huge room full of books. He was very interested in the room and he decided to explore. He looked at the books, the rug, the body bags, and the large pile of bongs under a sign that says "Maze's happy place". Like father like son. He'll wind up naming his kid Puzzle. Well anyway, soon enough, Maze himself walked in…….

Maze: I'd like you to meet your new roommate. Her name is whisper.

Whisper: I'M WHISPER!

Maze: I just said that.

Whisper: SORRY!

And so the boy sat on the bed, Maze went to his ….. ahem …….. "happy place", and whisper quietly read a book, meaning read a book while only knocking down 4 people while screaming her little retarded lungs out.

Over the coarse of a long boring mini adventure in the guild, Fable players know what happens, otherwise you shouldn't care. After graduating, Anonymous went out to Bowerstone……….

Guard:……….and you can't have weapons or beat anyone up or annoy Lady Grey or anything like that!

Anonymous:………………?

Guard: Lady Grey? She's right over there.

Anonymous:drools

Guard: Clean yourself up! Lady Grey wouldn't be interested in you! Not until you've worked your butt off gone to the arena and KILLED EVERYBODY! She's into that kind of thing.

Anonymous:……………………..

Guard: Well, enjoy your stay in Bowerstone. I'll be at the pub getting wasted and flirting with ugly women with annoying accents.

Anonymous:…………………………

So anonymous was on his own. He looked around Bowerstone taking in the sights when he got veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery thirsty. He went to the pub only to find Maze surrounded be idiotic cheering people.

Idiotic cheering person #1: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Idiotic cheering person #2: 3 more beers and you broke the record.

Anonymous:……………………………!

Maze: Not now honey! hic I'm playing drink the………….the………..the foamy good stuff…………hic!

Anonymous: ………………………..

Maze: Oh yeah, our hic meeting. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………. Go to the guild aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand……………………….do stuff………..hic

Idiotic cheering fan #2: Shut up and drink!

Maze: Drink? YAY! glug glug glug glug glug hic

So anonymous went to the guild and met with the guildmaster.

Guildmaster: Every now and then you can take a card from that table over there. They'll give you a quest, but check the backs. 1 in 12 wins free coca-cola!

Anonymous: ……………………………!

Guildmaster: Well, you go fight the big bee now. Oh I almost forgot! You'll need a weapon!

Anonymous:…………….

The guildmaster gave Anonymous a big flyswatter and a bow with can of raid tied to the arrows. With that, Anonymous set out to fight the…………… the big buzzy bad thing. When Anonymous got there, he knew right away that he was screwed. The bees were big. He ran about, raiding and swatting and killing everything and everybody in the picnic area. Soon, the big bee came down. He ran away as fast as he could and decided to come back later. He then returned to the guild for his next…………….ahem………….exciting adventure…………………………………..whatever…………..

Thank you for reading! I'm sorry if it wasn't as good as the first and that it took so long to make. I hope you enjoyed it. You will notice that there was no gay bashing, although technically I could have when you bring up freedom of speech. But that would destroy my ultimate purpose. To lure you all into a false sense of security, and then do nothing about it. I'll try to put chapter 3 up soon.


	3. Maze, Matrix, and Martha Stwart?

For the third freakin' time! I don't own Fable!

Ok. It's about time I finally finished this. I apologize for all the long waits. I'm trying, really. Anyway, I have some important news, but I'll tell you after the chapter, in the meantime I'd like to dedicate this story to my grandfather. He has gone to a better place………….…….Hawaii.

Life in Albion Sucks: Part 3

Anonymous awoke on the floor of the Hero's guild. He must have dozed of watching Baldy breathing through his mouth and talking about farms. He checked the card table to find Whisper and Maze playing poker with the quest cards. Maze was higher than a kite and Whisper was still naturally retarded. Anonymous reached for the table to grab a card when……..

Whisper: HEY! WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'? IVE ALMOST WON THE LAST OF MAZE'S BONGS!

Maze: Yeah you………..you donut! Listen to the purple elephant lady! Heeheeheehee……….awwwww I made myself sad!

Anonymous grabbed a card and ran. He was headed for Orchard Farm, where he would apparently………..well he couldn't read the card. Not that it was smudged or messed up, but someone who can't talk sure as hell can't read! He knew he had to do something to Fed-Ex workers. Finally he arrived to find a bunch of Fed-Ex employees loading boxes into a truck.

Fed-Ex Fred: Hey you! You gonna help us with these boxes or just stand there?

Anonymous:…………………

Fed-Ex Ned: What do you mean you don't know? Are you some kind of idiot?

As if on queue, a screaming little streak came from the sky and kicked the crap out of the Fed-Ex dudes.

Whisper: HEY YOU'RE THAT KID THAT THINKS I'M STUPID! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORKED FOR FED-EX! DIIIIIIIIE!

Whisper attacked Anonymous with her long pointy stick that she found one night while yelling at a squirrel for being lazy. Anonymous turned around and froze. Time had stopped, and a man in a black coat stepped out of nowhere.

Morpheus: Anonymous, the Matrix has you. Follow the white rabbi…….hey! Pay attention when I'm talking!

Anonymous was busy drawing a moustache and beard on the frozen Whisper.

Morpheus: I give up! This job sucks royally! I quit.

With that, the man disappeared, the world unfroze, and the now bearded retard started screaming again. Anonymous turned around and back flipped over her head. He the kicked her in the butt with such a great amount of force it would make your momma laugh and tell you how big of a failure you are and will never amount to anything without the SUPPORT OF YOUR PARENTS! I HATE YOU MOM! I HATE YOOOOOOOOU!

Anyway, Whisper turned around and got a swift kick to the throat.

Whisper: HEY I'M GONNA KI…………………………..

Anonymous: ……………………………

Whisper: ……………………………….

Anonymous: ………………………….?

Whisper: HAHA! JUST KIDDING!

Anonymous kicked her around a bit making her run like a salmon. He then headed back toward the guild. On the way, he heard what sounded like a chainsaw. All of a sudden, the Queen Wasp came down. Oh crap! Anonymous fired raid wildly into the air, but to no avail. Just then, a giant Martha Stewart came in and stepped on the bug. She then made the dead bug into a lovely end table and then got thrown in jail.

Anonymous continued his trek to the guild to find what adventures lay ahead.

Well I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I now have a request. I would like all my readers to review with a vote of whether Anonymous should be evil or good. Cast your votes, it's all up to you. Also I was wondering if I should name Anonymous, but decided against it. Why destroy the bumbling idiot we've all grown to love. Next time, stuff happens, people die, and Anonymous…………..learns to talk! Stay tuned!


	4. Fluffy pony pops?

Here it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis! The fourth installment of LIAS! Hope you enjoy it. (Anonymous' alignment will not be decided in this chapter)

Chapter 4:

Anonymous awoke in the guild to find the guildmaster standing near his bed. After rubbing his eyes, yawning, moving beer cans, yawning again, falling back asleep, and being woken back up, Anonymous asked what the old bald faggot wanted. Well if you can call it "asking". He shrugged, I guess.

Guildmaster: Look, Anonymous. These past few years have been reeeeeeeal great and all, but you haven't paid the rent in, like, well you never pay your rent.

Anonymous:…………………..?

Guildmaster: Well I spoke with Maze, and we think it would be best if you "moved on".

Anonymous:…………?

Guildmaster: If you need money to buy a house, you can probably get some trading. All you have to do is go to Barrow Fields. It's just through Darkwood where you'll be ripped to shreds by balverines hopefully…………I mean probably……………..I mean definitely not. JUST GET OUT!

Anonymous headed for Darkwood, unafraid. Not that he was brave, he was just brain-dead. Once in Darkwood, two traders approached and began tagging along.

Trader 1 (we'll call him Bob): At last! A hero! We're saved!

Trader 2 (uhhhhhhhhh…….Joe?): Yeah! I'll bet if we follow him, complaining and squealing the whole way, we'll get out of this just fine!

So on they walked, Anonymous in the lead, and the traders following.

Bob: OH MY GOD! TURN AROUND! WE'RE BEING EATEN!

Joe: HERO! BANDITS ARE ATTACKING US! OH THE AGONY!

Bob: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Joe: WE HAVEN'T BEEN HURT AFTER THE WAVES OF HORRID MONSTERS, BUT THERE'S A SINGLE BANDIT OVER THERE! THIS IS SURELY THE END!

They arrived at the Darkwood Camp, completely unharmed. They restocked and rested, then continued their trek through the forest.

Joe: OH MY GOD! WE'RE BEING KILLED!

Bob: OH CRAP! A MOUSE! WE'RE DOOMED!

Joe: DOOMED!

Bob and Joe: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Barrow Fields guard: Wow….you've been in Barrow Fields for 2 hours and you're still screaming?

Anonymous had long since wandered into Oakvale, where he stood in the town square. All of a sudden, his hair stood on end, his blood ran cold, and his skin crawled. A cold, screaming wind blew, and the sky fell dark. The people ran to the safety of their houses, and the local pets ran off with their tails between their legs. Anonymous turned to run and saw the horrible, monstrous, diabolical, sinister, evil creature that caused the disturbance.

Horrible, monstrous, diabolical, sinister, evil creature: WHA TOOKED YOU SO LONG? YOU GOT MY BEAR? GIMME MY BEAR! I SAY I KEEL YOU, I MEAN IT! I HAVE STICK, YOUR SHINS GO BYE-BYE! YOU MESS WITH THIS? I TAKE YOU DOWN! I KICK YOUR BIG HERO………..

Aaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss I said before, evil. After a few punches to the face, the girl ran off screaming at chickens. Anonymous was home at last. All of a sudden, a body crashed through the bar window.

Barkeep: And stay out!

Maze: Wu-wu-wuzzap little bird man! I saw……….I saw you going to your birthday party in the magic tea kettle! The 4th of July pixies would be proud!

Anonymous:………………..

Maze: Before I forget, your sister said that (hic) there were giant fluffy pony pops! The no-see lady knows where to find pony pops! She (hic) lives with the bad guys……..uhhhhh…….over there!

Anonymous ran for the Bandit Camp in a fit of rage, ready for combat. But he got pulled over by a guard for running too fast.

Guard: Okay buddy, I'm gonna need to see some quest cards if you're wanting in here.

Anonymous:……………..

Guard: No quest cards eh? I'll let you off with a warning this time, but even though you're already here, you have to go aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way to the guild, and aaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way back to begin your quest and save your family. Have a nice day sir.

And so Anonymous went back to the guild to get the card. Soon, he stood at the bandit camp gates. He took a deep breath and pushed the gates open. He then stepped inside to continue his journey.

Not my best work, but hey. Fluffy pony pops, am I right? Last chance to vote on old Anonny's alignment. Cast your votes, raise your voice, Happy New Year!


	5. I Know Why The ShortBus Bird Dies

Life in Albion Sucks!

Chapter 5

And we are back ladies and gentlemen! We got another chapter for you here that's hopefully able to hold a candle to the others. I'm sorry it took so long (again) but I found my sanity, so I had to spend some time losing it again. Good news is by the time I've released this chapter, my plan will be in effect! I'm just gonna write several chapters before releasing this one and I'll be spitting out more chapters than all J-Lo's husband from the past 2 weeks can count before you know it! Hope you enjoy this'n.

Anonymous awoke on the dirt path leading to the Bandit Camp. He wasn't quite sure why he was asleep, or why his head hurt. Dazed and confused, he sat up, slammed his head into a low tree branch, and fell back down, unconscious. While he was out, some passing bandits took all 3 of his gold pieces and most of his Jolly Ranchers. Ok, now let's try this again…

Anonymous awoke on the dirt path leading to the Bandit Camp. He wasn't quite sure why he was asleep, or why his head hurt. Dazed and confused, he sat up, crashed right through a low tree branch, and drooled a little. He saw three bandits up ahead, and walked up to ask for directions.

Anonymous: ……….?

Bandit: Oh, the Camp? Yeah you pretty much just follow the dirt. I mean there's nowhere else to go but back!

Anonymous: ………..

Bandit: No problem.

As anonymous turned to leave, he noticed one of the bandits was eating Jolly Ranchers by the handful. Feeling hungry, he reached into his pocket to pull out his own stash, only to find a horrible sight.

Anonymous: …………………………………………!

Someone had taken all of the watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers! Anonymous drew his sword and jumped on one of the bandits, quickly decapitating him. He pushed off of that bandit, causing what was left of it to fall to the ground, and sending Anonymous flying at the next bandit. Anonymous swung his sword, splitting the bandit into two pieces. Anonymous rolled as he hit the ground, and with his foot he swept the final bandit off its feet. Anonymous was a little dizzy from the jumping and rolling. Dazed and confused, he sat up, slammed his head into a low tree branch, and fell back down, unconscious.

Anonymous awoke amidst a throng of screaming Bandits. It seemed as if the were cheering for something. He jumped to his feet, narrowly avoiding a low tree branch, and looked around. Standing a few feet away was the largest Bandit he'd ever seen. He had a missing eye, a long beard, several tattoos, and two huge swords. It was the Bandit leader, Twinblade. Anonymous tried to run, but the crowd of Bandits stopped him. They surrounded Anonymous and Twinblade in a huge circle. Twinblade stepped forward to inspect Anonymous.

Twinblade: Ok I'm gonna make this quick. A few of the rock trolls and I are teeing off at 2:30 and I can't be late again.

Anonymous: ……………..?

Twinblade: Yes, rock trolls play golf.

Anonymous: ……………!

Twinblade: No use begging small man! I have a very tight schedule so let's get this over with alright?

Twinblade raised one of his swords in the air, and brought it down with impressive force. Unfortunately it got caught on a high tree branch. Anonymous saw his opportunity. He quickly ran forward and jumped into Twinblade's beard. Once inside, he began to cover it in Jolly Ranchers. The bandits closed in on Twinblade with their swords drawn. Anonymous ran past them to the door, only to find it locked. He turned around to see the bandits trying to eat Twinblade's beard, and Twinblade smacking them in all directions. Despite the number of bandits, Twinblade was victorious. With all the bandits dead, and Anonymous cornered, Twinblade closed in for the kill.

Twinblade: And now Hero, there's nowhere left to run!

He pulled out a small teddy bear and placed it carefully on a tree stump.

Twinblade: Isn't that right Rosie?

Rosie: ……………………………………….

Anonymous: ………………………….

Rosie: ……………………….!

Anonymous: ………………?

Rosie: …………………………………………………………………………………………………………..! ……………………………………………………………! ………..! ………………….., ………………..!

Anonymous: ………!

Rosie: ……….!

Suddenly, in a flash of light, three screaming streaks came flying to earth.

Little Screaming Girl: MAH BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR!

Maze: Beer? Where?

He picked up the girl and started shaking her.

Maze: WHERE IS THE HAPPY-JUICE?

Whisper: I AM WHISPER!

Girl: GIMME MY BEAR BIG PERSON! I KEEL YOU!

With those words, the girl jumped at Twinblade, knocking him back. The two rolled screaming down into a ditch. And the girl……. Well……. It's just too horrible to mention. Let's just say in a roundabout sort of way, she keeled him.

Maze: So Anonymous, you have defeated the big guy.

Girl: NO YOU DUMMY DUM-DUM! I DO! I KEEL HIM!

Maze: Yes, that's what I said, he defeated Twinblade.

Girl: I KEEL YOU!

She began to charge at Maze with that retarded evil little look in her retarded evil little eyes.

Whisper: MAAAAZE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Whisper began running toward Maze and threw him a bong, which Maze began smoking immediately. The special-ed munchkin leapt at Maze's head. As luck would have it, Maze fell over giggling and voiding his bowels seconds before the girl made contact. The girl rammed into a sorta average height tree branch, and fell to the ground. She stood up, looked around, and then did the Short-Bus dance. For those of you who don't know, the short bus dance is like a cross between stereotypical disco, the chicken dance, and trying to bite your own ear. After dancing for a few hours, the girl died quietly. At her funeral the man giving the eulogy honored her by screaming at everyone. As Maze, Whisper, and Anonymous stood in the clearing of the Bandit Camp, a shadowy figure emerged from a nearby tent. She approached Anonymous and stood with a sense of power about her. Anonymous just looked at her confused.

Mystery person: What's wrong Brother? You don't even notice your own sister?

Whisper: OH BROTHER! YOU'RE HER BROTHER?

Hulk Hogan: NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME BROTHER! THIS IS A BIG TURNING POINT IN THIS STORY BROTHER! DON'T SCREW IT UP BROTHER! OTHERWISE LIFE IN ALBION SUCKSAMANIA WON'T BE RUNNIN WILD NO MORE GOT THAT BROTHER? BROTHER! BROTHERBROTHERBROTHER!

Anonymous stepped forward, and took off the bandage covering his sisters eyes.

Sister: Did it just get colder in here?

Anonymous: ………………….!

Sister: I have a present for you brother, a power that runs in our family. One that all but you seem to possess.

Anonymous: ……………………!

Sister: Yes, I'm calling you a loser.

Anonymous: ………………

With that, a beam of light engulfed Anonymous. He floated in midair for awhile before returning carefully to the ground.

Anonymous: ……………T……….Th…………….That wa………was weird!

Whisper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Whisper tackled Anonymous and stepped on his neck some fifty times.

Anonymous: ………………….!

Sister: Well I can't do it twice, so tough luck brother.

Anonymous turned around and whacked his sister into a rock. A few minutes later, she stood up.

Sister: I……….. SEE ……………. BREAD PEOPLE!

Whisper: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Maze: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Anonymous: …………………………!

Sister: THE BAD GUY IS AT AN ARENA I THINK……….. YOU GONNA GO THERE? YEAH YOU GONNA GO! YOU BETTA, OR I'MA BUST A CAP!

Anonymous: ……………..?

Sister: I DUNNO WHAT A CAP IS EITHER! QUIT HASSLING ME!

Maze: I know! I know! A cap is the only thing that keeps me out of each bottle of happy juice!

Sister: ………………….

Whisper: ………………..

Anonymous: Geez, why's everyone so quiet?

Whisper: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

She jumped on Anonymous and started stepping on his neck again.

I realize it's a weird spot to stop the chapter if you're reading it like a story, but it seems like a perfect ending for this installment. And now for some words from me! First of all, I cut down on the gay jokes, but if a situation comes along where I feel the need to use one, I will. Second, I received an anonymous e-mail asking me to cut back on the retard jokes. Ok, that won't happen in a million years. My whole story is built around retard jokes! So next time you're feeling offended, try doing the short-bus dance. Third, I realize that one story is just not enough. That's why I'd like y'all to vote on your favorite character that is NOT Anonny, cause I'm thinking about doing a spin-off while I write the rest of LIAS. That way there's something to distract you from long chapter waits. (yay!) Ok, also, I realize after having written this that the jokes repeat themselves and it's generally pointless. Please don't send me hate mail about this, but by all means, send me hate mail. I need people to laugh at! I would like to thank everyone who's voted for Anonymous's alignment, which has been decided. It WILL be revealed in the next chapter which I'm gonna write once I'm done with this. Then I plan to wait a week to submit it. WAHAHA! R.I.P. Little Retarded Screaming Girl. You will be barely missed. Also no, I'm not bringing her back.

I AM at one with nuggets!


	6. What The Halo?

Life in Albion Sucks!

Chapter 6

Here it is, chapter six! We're closer than ever to the end of this story but wait a minute, the fun doesn't stop there! Those who read my little inputs know about my spin-off plans! I would like to publicly announce that this particular spoof, due to nagging fan-mail (it's alright though. I love ya guys in a plutonic totally non-gay sort of way) I'm making this story longer by continuing past the end with the Fable: Lost Chapters content. For those of you who've never seen it, it is NOT the same game as Fable. The content it adds makes normal Fable about HALF of the actual game, and I don't just mean side quests, I'm talking Fable doesn't end at the end kind of content. Fable fans who haven't tried it, I suggest turning in your copy of Fable and picking it up immediately. It's a pretty old game now so the price is surprisingly low. If the game guy asks tell him you're at one with nuggets. He'll know what ya mean. Well, here's numero seis. Enjoy!

Anonymous awoke after having suffocated while Whisper stomped on his neck. He was in the Guild with a neck brace, leg cast, sling, bandaged head, eyepatch, and bite marks on his fingers. Whisper was standing by the bed doing something she hadn't done in years. She wasn't screaming for over 5 minutes at a time. Maze was in the corner doing something he HAD been doing for years, getting high off of sharpies. And his sister was standing across the room doing something she had never done PERIOD, licking the bookshelves. Anonymous sat up as much as he could and the 3 gathered around him.

Anonymous: …………………?

Maze: Huuuuuuuuuh? Oh you mean why we make you Mr. Mummy-Leg? Uhhhhhh…… Why we make him Mr. Mummy-Leg again?

Sister: STOMP HIS FEMUR!

At these words they all stepped on his leg.

Anonymous: ………!

Maze: Oooooooooooooo! That why! I get it now but I………I just want my smurfs back!

He went back to the corner and began crying/smoking.

Sister: WE PUT YOU IN HERE UNTIL YOU WOKE UP, BUT NOW YOU'RE AWAKE AND NEED TO ENTERTAIN THE READERS DESPITE PHYSICAL AILMENT!

Anonymous: …………………..?

Sister: STOMP HIS FEMUR!

Anonymous: ………………………!

A few hours later, Anonymous headed downstairs into the guild's main room. He walked up to the table and grabbed the first quest card he could find. He took it to someone who could read just a LITTLE better than him, who told him he had to eat the white bouncy balls in Knutville's Gallbladder. So, Anonymous stepped into the teleporter and off he went.

Anonymous arrived in Knothole Glade after a few seconds. He stood for awhile in the forest looking around until he saw a large stone door with a face on it. He walked up to it and waved.

Anonymous: …………

Demon Door: Hi! I'm Henry! I'm hiding something really cool in here, but check this out, I made a macaroni picture of a house! Isn't it cool?

Anonymous: ……………..?

Henry: The cool thing in there? I can't let you have it. Actually, I'm kinda bored, let's play a game. You can have the cool thing if you can hurt me with an arrow!

Anonymous: ……………..!

Henry: No bow? Oh, there's one over there where they're setting up the archery contest! You can use that.

And so Anonymous went over and stole the bow, then returned and shot Henry with an arrow, which just bounced off harmlessly.

Henry: Haha! You suck! I'll give you one more shot. Go on, but you'll never win!

Anpnymous strung his bow and aimed carefully. He pulled back on the string and prepared to fire. Just as he let go of the string, and gust of wind blew the arrow into Henry's macaroni picture.

Henry: My…… MY MACARONI PICTUUUUUUUURE! NOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOOOU!

He disappeared, sobbing and leaving the door wide open. Anonymous stepped through only to find himself in a large stone temple. He heard eerie chanting from far off, and saw a large room just beyond there. He stepped into the room and saw a sword jutting out of a small oddly shaped stone. He stepped forward and grabbed the handle of the sword, but couldn't pull it free. Suddenly a small boy in green clothes entered the room.

Anonymous: ……………………..?

Link: ……………………..!

Anonymous: …………………!

Link: ……………………?

Anonymous: ……………………….!

Anonymous went back through the Demon Door, depressed because he couldn't get the sword, and angry at the tiny green kid who couldn't even manage to speak when his entire civilization used text bubbles to communicate. Anonymous came out and headed for Knothole Glade, only to find the gates closed. People standing outside the gates were screaming at the guards inside to let them in.

Person: Please! Let us in! It's coming back!

Other person: You can't put us through this torture!

Third person: Oh no! There it is!

Anonymous looked to see a small boy holding a boom box step out of the woods. He placed the stereo on the ground and began dancing.

Boom Box: Do you like waffles? Yeah We like waffles!

Do you like pancakes? Yeah we like pancakes!

Do you like French toast? Yeah we like French toast!

Doot doo doo doo! Can't wait to get a mouthful!

WAFFLES!

WAFFLES!

WAFFLES!

Doot doo doo doo! Can't wait to get a mouthful!

Person: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Other Person: Can't……….. take …………. Any more!

The third person stabbed himself. Anonymous stepped up and kicked the jukebox, causing it to play annoying flute-like music that he heard pretty much everywhere. All the people nodded to each other and waited patiently for the gates to open. When they did, Anonymous and the two survivors walked into the village of Knothole Glade, happy to be alive and sane. Instantly, the village chief approached Anonymous.

Chief: Hero! We need your help! In an odd experiment while trying to make balverines tame, our top scientists fused one with a marshmallow! They tried to kill it with radioactive heated microwave pulses, but that just made it bigger! It's been terrorizing the town ever since! You have to stop it!

Suddenly, a howl was heard, followed by the call of the town alarm. The White Balvamallow was headed straight for the town! Anonymous turned to face the gates and drew his sword. The creature jumped over the gates and ran straight at him. He swung his sword at the Balvamallow, leaving a huge gash in its left side, but causing no visible damage. He turned to see the Balvamallow plow through houses, people, trees, and a pile of DVDs of the first season of Big Brother that most people were glad to be rid of.

Anonymous: ……………….?

Chief: You don't think we tried that?

Random woman: You couldn't hurt it could you?

Anonymous: ……………..?

Random woman: I know because…. I created the Balvamallow. It's something I've kept hidden for so long, but now I…..

Anonymous smacked her across the face and silently yelled several obscenities at her.

Chief: Hero! We needed information from her!

Anonymous: ……….!

Chief: Yes she deserved it, but you couldn't have waited for her to spill the information?

Anonymous: …………….

Chief: Really? How did that happen?

Anonymous: …………………..!

Chief: Your femur?

Anonymous: ……!

Chief: Those animals! Well, go ahead and fight the Balvamallow. I'm sure you'll think of something.

Anonymous followed the Balvamallow out of town, through the woods, down a hill, and into a large clearing. Suddenly, he was surrounded by balverines. He drew his sword and fought them off wave after wave, until only one remained. The Balvamallow. As it charged at him, he grabbed the nearest stick and stabbed it into the creature. Then he lifted it into the air with ease, and threw a fireball at a pile of leaves nearby, instantly igniting them. He lowered the squirming Balvamallow into the flames, slowly roasted it. A few minutes later, the creature died, and Anonymous happily ate it. He returned to the village to thunderous applause. The whole town brought him to the tavern to honor him.

Chief: And for your assistance Hero, we are awarding you the title of Village Idiot. You've earned it!

Anonymous: …………..!

Chief: It's the happiest day of my life too idiot. Go on, say a few words to your fans!

Anonymous: …………..?

Chief: I don't know, try starting with a joke.

Anonymous stepped up to the platform and looked at the crowd.

Anonymous: ……………….!

At these ….. uhhhh …….. "words", the crowd burst into uncontrollable laughter. Anonymous used this opportunity to sneak past them and out of the town. He walked down the path toward the Arena, cleaning off his trusty stick and practicing saying the word "a". He never managed to do it. On the way to the Arena he stopped by the lake to clean the Balvamallow stains off his mouth. When he looked in the water and saw his reflection, he noticed his once brown hair was now becoming brighter. His eyes were blue, and butterflies flew around his head. He slapped himself a few times to see if he was dreaming, the he asked a passing trader if it was a dream. The trader immediately stomped his femur and took his wallet. When Anonymous recovered from the shock of being mauled by a trader, he stood up to find random people clapping in his face. They wouldn't leave, they just stood there clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and clapping and it seemed like they would never stop. After some time, however, they started walking away again. Anonymous was confused by the whole situation. He looked in the lake again only to find a weird ring floating above his head. He felt around for it but couldn't find anything there. He ran away as fast as he could, trying to escape from the horror of looking like a total fag, and soon found himself standing outside the temple of Avo. He stepped inside cautiously, and was greeted by the local worshippers.

Worshipper: Hello my son. I can see you are a loyal follower of Avo's will. Would you care to donate to the temple?

Anonymous: ……………..

Anonymous pulled a single gold piece out of his pocket and flicked it in the direction of the worshippers. It bounced off of one of there heads and ricocheted off. Bouncing off a wall, the collection tin, a statue, Anonymous, and a few frisky squirrels, it finally came to a stop after hitting a column. Suddenly, Anonymous and the worshippers heard a crack, and the entire temple collapsed around them, leaving them standing in the dust.

Worshipper: OH MY AVO! YOU SUCK!

Anonymous: …………………..!

Worshipper: THE TEMPLE? I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT! YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE US 1 GOLD PIECE? YOU BASTARD!

Anonymous: ………………?

Worshipper: GET OUT!

Other worshipper: What do you want him to get out of? Our dust circle?

Worshipper: YES!

Other worshipper: That makes a whole lot of sense.

The first worshipper stared at the second, and then pushed him into the collection jar where he got stuck, and after a few minutes stopped moving. The worshipper then chased Anonymous half way across Witchwood with a large club. When Anonymous got away, he looked up to see the Arena just up the path. Once he caught his breath, he began walking up the road, prepared for the dangers ahead.

And there you go, yet another chapter down! Didn't take long for that one to show up did it? The next one should be done in a week or two, so keep looking on here. Good ol' Annony finally has his alignment! I couldn't imagine Anonymous being evil; he's just too stupid. Someone suggested him hitting people with gravy ladles. The idea's good, but it's too badass for Anonymous. A fake tattoo of a bunny would be too badass for Anonymous. The guy's a total wuss! Thanks for all the votes I received! Thanks to everyone who's supported me since the beginning, and for those of you who are just joining us, thank you for choosing my story out of al the other wonderful Fable stories. Well, except the stories that pretty much just tell you everything that happened in that person's Fable game. Please kill yourselves. And remember (say it with me people!)

I AM AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!

Do you like nuggets?

Yeah we like nuggets!


	7. Top 10 Ways to Look Cool Dying

Life in Albion Sucks!

Chapter 7

Mama mia! Here we go again! We're back with another chapter of the only Fable story that gives a daily dose of depravation, degradation, and retardation to our nations' generations! We made it to lucky number seven, and we're STILL going! Now that I've decided to add the lost chapters content we have a LONG way to go! This chapter I've decided to make a little shorter than most, but don't think all of the new chapters will be that way. I'm planning on making some nice long chapters to cover chunks of the Fable story at a time. I'm proud to announce the release of my second Fable fic, Guards: The Legend of Jim. It's a bit more serious than LIAS but that didn't stop me from throwing a few laughs in there. Take note this IS NOT the spin-off I've mentioned, I'd still like some votes for that cause last time I checked there was only 1. Guards is just a test story so I can practice serious writing. Please check it out, and feel free to tell me I suck and should never attempt serious writing again. Well, I'm sure you're bored of me talking, so here it is, LIAS 7!

Anonymous awoke on the itchy cot that had been assigned to him by the Arena guards. He had arrived while the janitor had started cleaning the Arena, and was unfortunately not able to compete right away. He could remember all the stories he had heard about Arena Legends as a child. Like the day Jack of Blades beat 20 balverines with a tire iron. Or the day Briar Rose killed a retarded rock golem while blindfolded. Or the night Colonel Mustard murdered Mr. Green in the study with the candlestick. All of them were renowned throughout Albion, and Anonymous hoped to join their ranks soon. Lucky for him, his day in the Arena had finally come. After preparing for the coming battle, the Arena fighters and guards met up by the door to discuss who would go in first. The Arena guard captain, Jim, examined the combatants.

Jim: I say we send in a big guy… someone who looks tough but will probably die real easy… uhhhh… you!

The guard pointed at a Hobbe with a sock on his head.

Jim: You will be the first one in the Arena!

Hobbe: I are Charles, and I are ready to fight!

Jim: I know you're ready Charles, that's why we're sending you in unarmed. We figure it'll be fun watching you run around before dying.

Charles: Charles are happy to die for his fans!

Jim: Actually they aren't your fans, they're just gonna laugh at ya.

Charles: Charles are thinking you do that on purpose.

Jim: Shut up Charles.

Charles: Charles are listen………

Jim: Ok then, after Charles is done with his…… battle…. We'll send in some clowns to entertain the fans, then we'll send in some balverines to eat the clowns and REALLY entertain the fans. After that we'll send in our next fighter…. Ummm….. you, in the back!

He pointed at Anonymous, who looked up from counting the number of times Charles blinked.

Jim: You'll be the second fighter in. Jay, suit him up.

One of the Arena guards brought Anonymous a set of jet black plate armor with golden embroidery. He was given a huge sword made of gold, silver, and jewels. Then they gave him a bow made from solid diamond.

Anonymous: ……………..!

Jim: Nah, don't thank us, that stuff will barely offer any protection at all. Mostly it'll just slow you down.

Fighter: Than why give it to him?

Jim: So he'll look cooler dying.

Charles: Charles are want supplies too!

Jim: I told you Charles, you're going in unarmed and naked. You're battle will look more like trying to slaughter a pig than an actual fight.

Charles: Charles are not like you.

Jim: Well Charles, I don't care much for you either. Now get out to the Arena!

Charles rushed out the giant oak doors into the waiting stadium. Local medics say he died of anticipation about 3 seconds after getting out the door.

Jim: Well, the clowns are being sent in now, and then it's the rookie. Feel free to check out the gift shop while you wait.

Anonymous waited for a few hours for the balverines to finish off the clowns. There were more clowns than he would have ever guessed. One particular clown, Gayzo, managed to avoid death for 3 hours before choking on seltzer. When the dust (and the clown organs) were cleared, Jim approached Anonymous.

Jim: Ok kid, it's your turn to head in there. Just talk to the guys near the door, they'll let you in.

Anonymous nodded and walked to the doors where the guards greeted him.

Guard 1: Ah, round one. They say it gives you the biggest "buzz"!

Guard 2: This is why your wife won't call you anymore.

Guard 1: I know… well go on in kid.

Anonymous stepped out into the Arena, shielding his eyes from the sun. The people were cheering wildly as he entered the stadium. After a few moments, the announcer's voice blared over the speakers that couldn't have possibly existed at that time, so I guess the announcer was just yelling really really loud.

Announcer: Time for round one! We're gonna put some bees in there! Cool huh?

As if on queue, hordes of wasps appeared in the Arena. Anonymous faced them showing no fear. He pulled out his flyswatter and raid cans and attacked the wasps with all his might. He had them beaten in a matter of seconds

Announcer: There you have it folks! Round one is done! Time for round two! It's a bunch of little fat dudes!

As he said this, a large group of Hobbes entered the Arena, and each one died mysteriously seconds afterward.

Announcer: And the Hero defeats yet another swarm of monsters with ease! Let's move on to our next round! Balverines!

Nothing happened………

Announcer: Bring out the balverines please!

Still nothing………

Announcer: I've just been informed that balverines were placed on the endangered species list, and we won't be able to use them today. Instead, our Hero will fight this small puppy with one leg.

A small puppy with one leg appeared in the middle of the Arena, and Anonymous stepped on it.

Announcer: And the Hero triumphs again! An amazing victory! Moving on to our fourth round! Bandits!

A bandit gang walked into the Arena. They stood for awhile laughing at Anonymous. Anonymous just stared at them, but then notices one of them holding a Jolly Rancher. A watermelon Jolly Rancher. The bandits didn't last long after that.

Announcer: And another impressive victory! Now the Hero must face the legions of the undead!

Suddenly everything went dark and eerie moans were heard. Several zombies jumped up from the ground, and shambled toward Anonymous. Anonymous backed away from them, holding his sword out fearfully. Suddenly, the sky got even darker, and the zombies backed away in fear. A small zombie began to burrow its way out of the ground. Anonymous stared in horror. It was…. IT WAS……!

Small Zombie: YOU IN ARENA? WHY YOU IN ARENA? I KEEL YOU! I DO! I NO WANT YOU HERE! GO 'WAY!

The zombie turned around and looked at all the other zombies.

Small Zombie: WATCHOO LOOKIN' AT FREAKS?

The zombies screamed and retreated back underground. The small zombie followed them right after a brief short-bus dance.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, that was just disturbing! I don't think I can stand to see much more of this! Good thing all of our other rounds have been declared illegal by the WWPD. I suppose we can declare this loser as the winner!

Mysterious voice: Not so fast…

All heads turned to the source of the voice. Men, women, and children stared in awe of what they saw. It was the great hero, Jack of Blades. Jack descended into the Arena pit and stood in front of Anonymous. Anonymous could not believe he was meeting Jack of Blades in person.

Jack: Congratulations on your victories so far Hero, but I have one more challenge for you. You must face my Apprentice.

Anonymous: …………?

Jack: I'm glad you asked, here she comes now.

A dark shadow appeared in the Arena entrance, and the crowd's eyes turned to get a glimpse of the newcomer. Anonymous turned to see who it was and nearly fainted. The new fighter stepped right up to Anonymous, and in a loud booming voice, proclaimed…

Fighter: I AM WHISPER!

At these words, Whisper charged at Anonymous with everything she had. Anonymous barely avoided her spear as he jumped to the side. He drew his sword and lunged into the fray. Whisper and Anonymous fought for what seemed like hours, but was actually closer to 15 seconds. Whisper fell to her knees, exhausted by the fight, and the non-stop screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time. Anonymous drew his bow and pointed it at Whisper to make sure she didn't move.

Jack: So Hero, now you have a choice. You can choose to let your friend live and leave with your prize money. OR you can kill her and receive DOUBLE what you've earned.

Jack turned to face the crowd.

Jack: But is the weight of gold worth the price of friendship?

He turned again only to find Whisper on the ground with an arrow in her forehead and Anonymous in front of him with his hands out, waiting for his money. Jack gave Anonymous his gold and congratulated him on his victory. He then disappeared into the shadows of the Arena Hall. Anonymous followed shortly after, feeling for the first time like a true Hero.

And that's it for chapter 7! Anonymous has made his way out of the Arena and I got the hardest part of Fable to make a parody of over with. Feel free to leave bad reviews. The Arena is not easy to make fun of, so I don't expect this chapter to be all that funny. Well, I'll try to get chapter 8 out within a week or two. Till next time…

I ARE AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!


	8. Marriage and ManBoobs: Anonymous Files

A word from Maze…..

"Hello everybody. I'm Maze. I would like to say that we have some laughs while creating LIAS for you, but what I'm here to tell you about is not funny. Every day, millions of people sit at home getting high. Drug use has nearly tripled in America since 2001. Congratulations everybody. But it seems there are millions of citizens who do not get high, and believe drugs are bad. These people need help. That is why I have opened Maze's Drug-Free Rehab. If you or a friend is straight-edge or has recently broken an addiction, call now so that we may send you our patented "Stoner's Starter-Kit". Why wait? Find your happy place today. Back to you ficflicker."

Ummm… ok I'd like to apologize for that. Please note that I do NOT condone Maze's drug use, I don't own Fable, and Maze most likely said that because he wasn't high. He gets really weird when he's not high. Well here we find ourselves in glorious LIAS chapter 8. The Arena behind me, and some great reviews passed. And now, I will leave my computer, go to CVS, get a Vault, and return here with the remainder of my sanity shattered. Then I shall return and continue my story………………….

I'm back! While at CVS I discovered that Arnold Schwarzenegger has bigger boobs than Pam Anderson. Check FLEX magazine's new cover if you don't believe me, not for the faint of heart. And without further ado (by the way, speaking of do I now have a dew rag. Yippee for me the whiteness level has been breached) I present to you, LIAS 8.

Life in Albion Sucks Chapter 8:

Anonymous woke up after having rolled down the hill of the Arena. Lying in a heap at the bottom of the hill, he stood up and looked around for the reason he had tripped. At the top of the hill, he saw a small stuffed bear, and immediately ran as fast as he possibly could for obvious reasons. Turning to escape, he came face to face with two unexpected visitors. One was Lady Grey herself. The other was the biggest man he'd ever seen.

Man: I AM THUNDER!

Lady Grey: Yes, we know.

Thunder: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!

Lady Grey: Oh…. That's hot.

Anonymous: ………….

Thunder: YOU KILLED WHISPER! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anonymous: ……………..

Lady Grey: We don't care that she was his sister. We now have a shortage of retards in this story. Nice going idiot!

Anonymous:…………..

Thunder: YES! NOW SHE'S DEAD AND WE HAVE TO ADD CHARACTERS! THAT MEANS PAY CUTS!

Anonymous: …………?!?!?!

Lady Grey: Of course you don't get paid. We all hate you. We took a vote.

Lady Grey showed Anonymous a very elaborate chart. Actually it was mainly a signed petition electing to hire a hit man to take out Anonymous, but he wouldn't know the difference. He thought it was a cracker and ate it.

Thunder: NOOOOO! I MADE THAAAAAAAT!!!!!

Thunder began smashing Anonymous' head against a wall.

Lady Grey: Well, now that you've beaten the Arena. You can come into Bowerstone North if you show them your Arena Seal. Of course, this doesn't imply that everyone there beat the Arena, we were just hoping you were going to die.

Anonymous stood up from having his head smashed in and drooled a little. Lady Grey and Thunder turned and walked toward Knothole Glade. Anonymous began to follow them, but was pulled to the side by a mysterious figure. It was none other than Jack of Blades himself.

Jack: Hey mate. I'm going to need you to come with me to get me ship back from Barbosa.

Ummmm, no Jack. That's Jack Sparrow. Get it right.

Jack: Heeeeeeeere's Johnny!

That's Jack Nicholson. Seriously man, GET IT RIGHT!

Jack: This is Halloween! This is Halloween!

Ok, you know what? I freakin' hate you. Get out.

Jack: But I…..

I don't want to hear it. Get out.

Jack: FINE!

Jack turned and stormed out of the hall, flipping off nobody in particular. Just then, Anonymous magically learned that Jack of Blades was keeping his mother captive.

Anonymous: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….! …………….!

Upon arriving in Knothole Glade, the chief approached Anonymous.

Chief: Hello hero. I'd like to thank you for representing us in the Arena. You've done us a big favor. Our last hero sent there, Drew, couldn't do a thing. All he managed to do before he died was get chopped in the mouth by axes and chew on #2 pencils. Oh well, here's a letter that arrived for you from your sister.

He handed Anonymous a chewed up paper dripping in mustard. He opened it and read it silently. Silently, big freakin' surprise.

Dear Brother,

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE UNHOLY STD! YOU WILL COME TO THE BIG GREY HOUSE! NNNNNNNNNOW!

Anonymous threw the letter down fearfully. He began heading for Barrow Fields. Upon arriving, he quickly found his sister. She was near the bathroom doing awkward things to the floorboards.

Theresa: IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE! GEEZ! DID YOU BRING THE CAKE?!

Anonymous: …………..?

Theresa: THEN DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

At her words, a huge swarm of zombies burst from the ground. That's right, they just came out of the floorboards. They left no holes or broken boards. Way to go game designers. Reeeeeeally realistic. The zombies closed in on Anonymous. Thinking of a good defense, he realized quickly that he was a horrible strategist. Thinking quickly, he soiled himself and crawled into the fetal position. The zombies kicked him a few times before going back into the ground, leaving each floorboard intact. Would YOU have eaten him? Seriously.

Theresa: GET UP YOU WUSS! YOU NEED TO GET MORE OF THE POWER! HERE YA GO!

Theresa held her hand up, once more encasing Anonymous in a blinding light. Anonymous fell to his knees.

Anonymous: At last. I can finally say all the things I've been waiting to tell you! I know what happened to everyone, and I know why Albion sucks so badly! It's all because of….

Anonymous stood as he talked, but just then a rotted undead arm burst from the ground, tripping him and causing him to bash his neck on a table.

Anonymous: ……………….

Theresa: AHHHHHHHH! NO MORE FOR YOU!

She rushed at Anonymous, knocking him backward out the door. He rolled down the hill to the stables. Looking up, he saw a man sitting on a bale of hay.

Anonymous: ……………..?

Man: I still can't tell who owns these stables. I'm afraid to go to the house and ask.

Anonymous:…………………..

Man: Really? Abandon? Can I have the stables?

Anonymous: ……..

Man: MIS ESTABLOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

The man began running around in circles screaming in Spanish. Anonymous became scared and rushed back to Barrow Fields, hopping a wagon to Bowerstone. Upon arriving, the guards took his weapons and beat the crap out of him. Then they brought him to Bowerstone North.

Bowerstone Guard: Yeah, you're cool enough to go in.

Anonymous staggered into Bowerstone North, making his way to the mayoral mansion at the end of the road where Lady Grey stood waiting for him.

Lady Grey: You know, I've decided that I should marry you. If everyone thinks you're mayor, and I make a mistake, they'll blame you. Either way, I win. Just don't touch me. Now go buy me something.

Anonymous walked off to the shop, searching through the available wares. He soon realized he had no money, and left the shop. Finding an ugly dead rose growing outside someone's house, he grabbed it and ran back to Lady Grey.

Lady Grey: This is the most hideous thing I've ever seen. And this flower is pretty ugly too. Oh well. Hey, I lost my necklace awhile back. Could you maybe go find it for me?

Anonymous nodded and began asking around town. He eventually came to a cell, where a man stood yelling at him.

Man: Hey! You have to help me! The mayor is EEEEEEEEEVIL!

Anonymous: ………….?

Man: She killed her own sister! Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but they'll see! They'll AAAAAAAAAALL SEE! You have to prove it to them!

Anonymous set out to the Grey House once more. After checking around, he found a hidden door leading to the basement. Inside was the ghost of a young girl.

Girl: Hello. Have you come to help me? I need to show the world that my sister is a killer. Please take this letter to Bowerstone and reveal her for the monster she is.

Anonymous took the letter from the girl, facing the stairs once more. Looking up, he saw Lady Grey standing at the top.

Lady Grey: You should give me that letter. If you don't, it will explode and kill you. Then you can't eat bacon anymore.

Anonymous threw the letter at her and began brushing his hands on the wall to get the letter juice off. (It wasn't letter juice)

Lady Grey: I knew you were….. uh ….. "smart". Now, you must go and beat the crap out of Thunder. He owes me money.

Anonymous set off to find Thunder. He found him near the gallows by the Bowerstone Windmill.

Thunder: NOW I WILL SHOW YOU WHY THEY CALL ME THUNDER! IT IS TIME TO DIE LITTLE MAN! YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY! HOW CAN YOU HOPE TO MATCH MY POWER?! I AM TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE! YOU WILL NEVER SURVIVE! ARE YOU PREPARED?! HOW COULD YOU BE?! YOU HAVE NO HOPE! YOU WILL BE CRUSHED! PREPARE TO DIE!

While Thunder spoke, Anonymous snuck up behind him and pushed him off a cliff. He made several clanging noises as he crashed into rocks on his way to the bottom. Finally, he came to a stop, and died. Anonymous returned to Bowerstone North to marry Lady Grey, only to find that she had already married the local mailman. Depressed and confused, Anonymous returned to the guild to seek out his next quest.

Wow! This one looks kind of long. Maybe it's just cause it's still in word format but geez. I didn't know I wrote THAT much. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this entry. As you can see, Anonymous still fails at life. Maze's appearances were limited, but at least you got to hear from him for a bit. He will return, don't you worry. Lady Grey wasn't lying about our retard shortage. We need more. Luckily, plenty more characters will be able to enter the fray before we're done. Maybe I'll make someone normal……. Nah.

Keep checking in for more installments. I still haven't written that spin-off. It's definitely going to be about Maze. Without him, there would be no LIAS. Here's a question though. Anonymous vs. Maze, who would win? By the way, in case you missed it, Anonymous' alignment is now good. It has been for a while. I mentioned Drew in this. He is based on an actual person I know. That person does indeed drink Axe body spray and eat #2 pencils. Honestly, do you think I associate with sane people? Till next time……

I AM AT ONE WITH #2 PENCILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	9. Living the Dream and Dropping the Soap

Hmmmm. It is the day after yesterday. Maybe I'm just tired but I wrote a chapter yesterday. We're moving right along. Here we are in Chapter 9 of LIAS. That's right, it's almost time for the double-digit chapters. Let's take a moment to remember all the good times we've had in the single-digit chapters………. You know I really thought that would take longer. Anyway, I won't keep you from reading any longer, but I have to ask. Did any of you go check that cover of FLEX magazine? Creepy huh? Anyway on with the shoooooooow!

Life in Albion Sucks Chapter 9:

Anonymous awoke in the guild, as he had so many times. He crawled out of bed and dressed himself with difficulty. Walking down the stairs, he met with the guild master.

Baldy: Ah, you're awake. Maze is looking for you Hero. You should go to his quarters immediately.

Anonymous did NOT want to go to Maze's room, but he realized he had no choice. Setting off across the guild lawn, arriving at the stairs to Maze's chambers. He slowly climbed the stairs, only to meet with a horrible sight. Maze was standing in the center of the room, holding a bong in one hand and a beer in the other. A disco ball on the ceiling spread light throughout the room. The floor was covered in a thick, pink, fuzzy rug, and the walls were some sort of neon zebra stripe pattern. Maze himself was dancing to a "Village People" CD. Anonymous stood, dazed and afraid, for several seconds before Maze noticed him and invited him in.

Maze: Theeeeeeeeere you are! Dude! I just found the most awesome thing ever…. If I blink 3 times, then I lift up my hand, then I look at my autographed picture of a rabid rhinoceros, then I blink 3 more times, then I look at my hand, it's……hic….. it's lifted up for some reason! Isn't that weird?

Anonymous:……………….?

Maze: Oh yeah….. you need to find that guy I know. Now who was dat…… Jerry? No…….. Phillip? Nope………. J. Edgar Hoobastank? Nada…….. Oh yeah! Find the smart guy! He is in that very very wood place…… if you find him, tell him I want Stan back…. He was my favorite bong of all……

Maze ran into a corner and began crying and smoking in a strange breathe-in breathe-out combination. Anonymous shook his head and walked out the doorway, and out of the guild. He arrived in Witchwood after a few hours, and began searching for the Smart Guy. After searching for what seemed like decades, he met another enormous stone door with a face.

Door: If you can guess my name, you can come in. For no apparent reason, you will no my name if you hit those rocks with a stick. Cool huh? Oh and by the way, it's not the obvious one. That'll make balverines kill you. It's the least likely most idiotic name you've ever heard.

After hitting the rocks in order, Anonymous discovered the door's name, Hits. After countless hours of mocking Hits for his moronic name, Anonymous continued through the door and into a small cave. There, he met a skinny, shivering nerd.

Smart Guy: Hello. I am the Archeologist. Who are you?

Anonymous: ………………..?

Archeologist: Of course that's not my full name. My full name is Gary "The Archeologist" Gary Gary.

Anonymous: …………….?

Gary: Because I got sick of being called Gary Gary Gary.

Anonymous: ……………..?

Gary: No it wasn't just me. My sister's name was Marsha.

Anonymous:…………………..

Gary: Indeed. Anyway, now that you've found me that means I'm going to have bad things happen to me. Nice going. I'd better run as fast as I can then. Goodbye.

And so, Gary Gary Gary ran from the cave and darted across Witchwood, never to be seen again. Anonymous left the cave and headed for Knothole Glade. He headed for the tavern, only to meet up with Jim, the Arena Guard.

Jim: Oh god, not you again. Do you know how much money I lost because you survived that battle? I had to be stationed in Bargate. Thanks a lot jackass.

Anonymous: …………………….?

Jim: Yeah, the famous prison. You know I heard we're keeping a few heroes in there, famous ones at that. We've got this one prisoner, Scarlet Robe; I think she got arrested for mooning balverines or something. Anyway she's pretty cool, we play dominoes on Tuesdays. Well, catch ya later.

Jim walked off into Knothole Glade, beer in hand. Anonymous sat at the bar thinking about what Jim had said. Scarlet Robe was a familiar name to him. He had heard the legends of the great Balverine Slayer. He began to ask around about her, and soon found that a statue of her had been erected in the center of town……….

Maze: HAHA! YOU SAID "ERECTED"!!!!!!

Maze! What are you doing! Get out of here you're not in this yet.

Maze: Awwww…… I wanna see the erected statue…..

That's not what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutter dude.

Maze: Gutter? ……… BUTTER! I like butterflies…

Anyway where was I? Ah yes, and so Anonymous ran to the statue as quickly as possible, and was shocked to see that Scarlet Robe was none other than his own mother. That's right Anonymous, yo momma so fat she be slayin' Balverines! Horrified of the thought of her trapped in Bargate, he ran around in circles for awhile and then went to find Jim. Jim was on his way out of town, headed for the lake.

Anonymous: …………….!!!!!!

Jim: Bargate Prison? Well unless you're a guard you can only get in there as a prisoner. Actually, there is a way, an old graveyard road. Head to Litchfield Graveyard, you should find some way in through there.

Anonymous thanked Jim (sort of) and ran off to Bowerstone. He headed down the prison path, past the windmill, over Headsman's Hill, and into Litchfield Graveyard. Once there, he spoke to the grave keeper.

Grave keeper: The graveyard? You don't want to go in there. There's some bad things in there, seriously.

Anonymous: ………………………!

Grave keeper: Well, alright. It's your funeral. Actually you won't get a funeral I'll probably just throw you in an empty grave and forget about you. Run along then.

Anonymous sprinted through the gates, setting his sights on the faced door nearby. He ran to the door, which began to speak.

Door: Look dude, I'm really bored right now and I just can't think of anything cool to make you do, so just run around and get beaten on by zombies and MAYBE I'll let you through.

So Anonymous turned and began fighting of the horde of undead soldiers spilling from the ground each second. His sword singing as it sliced through the air. He would turn left, thrusting his sword into the chest of an attacker before ripping it from them and slicing off the head of another. Finally he stood among a mass of bodies, his sword in hand.

Grave keeper: You just killed my entire family! My mother, my mother in law, my sister, my wife, my grandfather, even my uncle Joe…….. Thank you! I'd better start digging…

The door decided that the entire mess was entertaining enough, and allowed Anonymous to pass through. Anonymous walked down the graveyard path, killing the occasional zombie. At last, he reached Bargate Prison. He crept carefully past the guards until he reached his mother's cell.

Mother: Carl? Is that you? WHY DO YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME CARL! BRING ME MY TATER TOTS!

Anonymous: …………………

Mother: Oh god it's you…… didn't I abort you?

Anonymous: ……………………?!?!?

Mother: Oh nothing, nothing. Anyway could you GET ME OUT OF HERE?!

And so Anonymous unlocked his mother's cell. The two of them tried to creep out of the prison, but their escape was impeded by a gigantic squid-like creature known as the Kraken.

Kraken: I do say my good man, you can't go through here. Hmmmm yes. You're going to have to turn back eh chap? Just go on back to the cell then. Right-o.

Anonymous stared at the creature for a few minutes, then he threw a heaping handful of kool-aid mix at it.

Kraken: Oh bugger….

Anonymous and his mother continued running past the kraken, and came face to face with….. uh….. Jack of Blades…..

Jack: I…. am….. Jack?

Ahem?

Jack: Uhhh… of Blades?

And?

Jack: And I am not a pirate, famous actor, or clay skeleton……

Very good Jack, now keep going.

Jack: Ummmm….. line!

You.

Jack: Ok…. YOU….. line!

Oh come on…. Are.

Jack: ARE…… line!

You've got to be kidding me!

Jack: Line!!!

Whatever….. never going to escape, Hero.

Jack: NEVER GOING TO SCRAPE ROBERT DE NERO!

You know what? I still hate you.

Jack: NOW YOU ARE MINE HERO! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!

And so, Jack summoned his minions and guards. They dragged Anonymous and his mother to their cells. Anonymous was thrown into his cell, all of his weapons and clothes taken from him. His cellmate, Jitters McForkenhorgen, approached him.

Jitters: I know you! You're that total loser! What are you doing here?

Anonymous: ……………………!

Jitters: I don't know why we get pants. We're just lucky I guess. Hey, in a bit we're going to have a race. Cool huh? If you win, you go to the Warden's office, if you lose they make you listen to Beegees records. Alright, here we go.

The guard came in and pulled everyone from their cells. They were taken to the courtyard and forced to run around in circles for no reason in particular. Anonymous emerged as the victor because he threw things at people the entire time. He was taken immediately to the Warden's office.

Warden: So, you're the winner eh? Alright, I'm gonna sing a song! Roses are red…. Violets are gay…. B comes before C….. and I like grapefruit…..

The Warden walked off into a corner and began eating his own leg. Anonymous saw his opportunity and rushed out the door. He made his way to the guard's quarters, retrieving his gear and a guard uniform. He put on the uniform and ran to his mother's cell. He freed her, and the two escaped to Bowerstone.

MEANWHILE….

Jack of Blades crept into the suburban neighborhood, avoiding streetlights and cars as much as possible. He approached the house at the very top of the hill, sneaking through the door. He knew all but one of the occupants was fast asleep, so he crept silently through the hallways, arriving at the door to the computer room. He opened the door slightly, finding his target sitting across the room, typing quickly. Jack snuck forward, stepping over the dog and grabbing the teen by the neck. He the slammed the author's face repeatedly into the keybonhfsdgahdgdadgaag hdrg a4tr 9r 0ytrg 8r5 rt5 tjutgi0tgji.

HIS TASK COMPLETE, JACK OF BLADES RULED OVER ALL!!! THE HERO IMMEDIATELY SUFFERED A HORRIBLE ITCH, AND HIS MOTHER WALKED INTO JACK'S LAIR WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ARGUMENT! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA! THE HERO THEN LOST A SINGLE GENITAL, AND EVERYBODY GREW A BEARD! EVEN THE WOMEN! MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, JACK CREPT SILENTLY OUT THE DOOR, KICKING THE LITTLE DOG, AND STEALING ALL OF THE BOTTLES OF VAULT AND RED BULL REMAINING IN THE HOUSE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

…………………………………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………………….

………………………. Ok that was just annoying… I'm going to need to figure out what just happened. Seems I've reached my necessary page number for this chapter. Time for me to take a break now. I will see you all in chapter 10, where I will conclude the main portion of LIAS. You know what happens after that? LOST CHAPTERS! YEAH! If you've still never played Lost Chapters, you REALLY should pick it up while you can. Just get together 20 bucks (actually it's only like 10 bucks used) and get the game. If you've never played Fable, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?! It would be A LOT funnier if you knew what it all meant. Fable is one of the best games I've ever played. I'm sure you all agree, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. Now that I have your attention, **you will ALL read Spearofhope's Lord of the Anklet: Friendship Club of the Anklet. You will laugh, you will cry, and you will fall victim to the pony pops! Also you won't send me all this hate mail about waiting for new chapters!**

And if you want to send hate mail or good mail or any mail at all, please do. look forward to hearing from you. Till next time, I would simply like to state for the current historical record that…

Roses are red,

Violets are gay,

B comes before C,

And I AM AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!!!!!


	10. The Super Epic Episode!

Thaaaaat's right loyal minions! I have returned from (another) extended break to provide you with another brain-rotting installment of Life in Albion Sucks! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my buddy Zesh, for being so very patient with me and constantly reminding me that I needed to get this done. Even if ret IS better than prot any day…. By the way, this IS the last installment before Lost Chapters, and I promise to get back on top of things soon enough. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Life in Albion Sucks!

Anonymous awoke to the smell of sea air and pasta sauce. As he looked around to get a bearing on his surroundings, he noticed that he was on board a large ship. This explained the sea air. The pasta sauce would forever remain a mystery. Anonymous stood as a small fat man approached him.

Fat man: You're awake! Baldy told me to explain what happened. You see, the designers felt that the plot ending happily as you and your mother fled the prison wasn't enough for the gore-loving gamers of the modern ages. Therefore she's been captured again, and I'm taking you and your allies to Hook Coast to rescue your sister.

Anonymous: ……….?

Fat man: Oh yes! He captured your sister too! I probably should have mentioned that earlier.

Anonymous: ………………..!!

Fat man: I should also mention that Maze is missing.

With this, Anonymous grabbed the fat man and threw him off the edge of the ship. As he did so, his halo came crashing down on his head, and his blonde hair turned brown. The guildmaster stepped out from the ships cabin to speak to him.

Baldy: You are now evil enough to say 'shit'.

Anonymous: ……………..?

Baldy: No, you have to be a complete bastard to say 'shit'. Furthermore, you have to be an evil tyrannical overlord to give people the finger.

Anonymous: ………….?

Baldy: I don't make the rules, I just work here.

Anonymous: Shit….

Without the fat man to steer the ship, it drifted around on the ocean until Anonymous, while fiddling with his Will, conjured a large iceberg and sank the vessel quickly. The surviving passengers swam the rest of the way to Hook Coast. Upon arrival, Anonymous immediately set out to ask villagers about his missing family. Finally, he came across someone with information.

Someone with information: Yeah…. A bit earlier I saw some guy with a glowing face drag a screaming blind chick to the ruins of the old church and lock her in a giant crystal thing. Nothing out of the ordinary though…

Anonymous charged past him to the ruins only to run headfirst into a large magical barrier. Baldy came up behind him and inspected the wall carefully.

Baldy: This seems to be some form of dark magic. With a simple ancient incantation, I believe I can dispel it.

He pulled a large leather-bound tome from within his robes and began reciting the ritual.

Baldy: Immyjay ackcray arncay and I on'tday arecay! Immyjay ackcray arncay and I on'tday arecay!

As Baldy finished the ritual, the barrier faded away to reveal a shocking sight. Theresa lay on the ground a few feet away, a large magical container locking her in place. Maze was nearby playing tiddlywinks with himself. As Anonymous entered the clearing, Maze stood up to greet him. As was to be expected, he was completely out of it from snorting powdered plastic.

Maze: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey buddy! I put your sister in a bubble! Isn't that awesome?! Now we can use her for kickball and ice-creamball.

Anonymous: …………….

Maze: Of course ice-creamball is a sport! You're not a sport!

Anonymous: ………………

Maze: NO! She has to stay in the bubble or the mask man won't give me any crackers! Stay back!

Maze fired a ball of flame past Anonymous' ear. As you should all know by now, an epic battle is about to ensue. I suggest that you hold on to your hats, move to the edge of your seats, and most importantly, secure your minds. They're about to be blown.

Anonymous: Shit…

Maze began sobbing immediately at the "insult" and fled the scene, taking his tiddlywinks and bottles of various medications with him. He ran though the town, down to the docks, and into the sea. It is speculated that he was eaten by a swarm of ravenous shrimp soon after. Anonymous shook his head and walked over to his sister. Baldy had just freed her from the superbubble, and was now helping her to her feet. She looked around for a moment, then gasped.

Theresa: I CAN'T SEE! I'M FREAKIN' BLIND!

Anonymous: ………………..

Theresa: ……… I KNEW THAT!! NOW GO STOP THE BAD GUY FROM MAKING THE ROCKS GLOW! OTHERWISE HE'S GONNA BANG YA!

Anonymous nodded and ran to the cullis gate. As he stepped into it, he was taken immediately to a horrible scene. The forest was on fire, the people were on fire, the fluffy woodland creatures were on fire, and the large rock in the center of it all was already glowing brightly. Jack of Blades stood at the center of the carnage.

Jack: Muahahahahaaaaa! You see Hero? There is nothing you can do! Albion will be mine! MINE!

With this threat, he vanished into a large portal, and Anonymous ran in after him. The pursuit led them all across Albion to several magical rocks. At each site, Jack would make the rocks glow and burn things while Anonymous was being held up by the loading screen, and each time Anonymous was just moments too late. It was all so very convenient. Finally, Anonymous ran through one of Jack's portals to find himself back in the Heroes Guild. To his dismay, it was in flames. Anonymous ran through the blazing rooms searching for survivors, till finally he heard a faint cough from the library. He ran toward the sound to find Baldy lying against the bookshelves.

Baldy: Jack… has gone… into the Supermagichyperhall… which till now…. served no real purpose…

Anonymous nodded and began to run after Jack, but Baldy stopped him.

Baldy: Don't worry…. about me…. just go…

Anonymous nodded again and tried to run, but the guildmaster held onto his leg firmly.

Baldy: There is …. no sense…. in sacrificing Albion…. to save…. me….

Anonymous began walking out of the room and across the bridge toward the Supermagichyperhall which till now served no real purpose, all the while dragging the guildmaster along behind him.

Baldy: Even if…. I was like…. a father to you…. you must…. go on…. without me….

Anonymous finally shook him loose halfway across the bridge, and left him there as he entered the Hyperhall. Once inside, he found Jack and his Mother in the center of the hall. Jack held a large blade to her throat.

Jack: You are just in time Hero… to watch your dear mother DIE!

With a loud cackle, Jack pulled the blade across her throat, then dropped her corpse onto the cold stone floor. Anonymous stepped forward, reaching toward his mother's body futilely.

Anonymous: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

Anonymous fell to his knees beside his mother, then turned his eyes to Jack of Blades, who was doing a small happy dance a few feet away.

Anonymous: ….?

Jack: Why? WHY?! You really want to know why?! You ruined my life, Hero! You took everything from me! My family, my home, even my sanity! Look upon my face and tell me you don't remember!

He reached up and removed the mask from his face to reveal a shocking sight. It was…. It was…. NEIL! Suddenly it all came flooding back to Anonymous like a sickening wave. The random fags from his childhood, telling the man's wife of his actions, forcing her into a continuous loop… all of it had led to the creation of Jack of Blades. Jack grinned wickedly as Anonymous' face took on an expression of realization.

Jack: Yes. Now you remember. And you will pay for what you did to me!

Jack his Anonymous square in the chest with a ball of arcane energy, sending the Hero flying across the room. Anonymous scrambled to his feet and dove behind a nearby stone pillar. He readied his bow and fired wildly, finding himself unable to hit his target. All the while, Jack continued to fire bolts of energy at him, occasionally hitting him somehow even though he was safely tucked behind the stone and there was no possible way anything could get through. This aggravated him severely. Finally, with a cry of rage, Anonymous leaped from his hiding place. Everything seemed to move in slow-motion suddenly as he became aware of everything around him. The bowstring in his hand, the ground climbing toward him as he fell through the air, his enemy on the pedestal ahead, and the now maskless face grinning at him. With a deep breath, Anonymous released the string, sending his arrow flying toward the unmasked menace. The projectile buried itself in the villain's eye and bored through his skull. With a cry of anguish, Jack crumpled to the ground, defeated. Anonymous walked over to his fallen nemesis as Theresa entered the room, a large sword clutched in her hands. She stepped forward and began to speak.

Theresa: NOW YOU MUST MAKE YOUR CHOICE! THROW THE SWORD INTO THE MAGIC HOLE, OR DO YOUR STABBY-RIP-STAB-STAB AND BECOME SUPERBAD!

Anonymous: …………………?

Theresa: WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO NEITHER, THAT'S RETARDED! YOU'RE RETARDED! DIIIIIE!!

She jumped on top of him and began chewing on his eyelids. Anonymous struggled to push her away as he tried to make his decision. Throw the sword, kill his sister, throw the sword, kill his sister, throw the sword, kill his sister… To an intelligent man, this would be a simple decision. In Anonymous' case, it was like trying to comprehend why gravity doesn't go sideways. Finally, he lifted his sister over his head and chucked her screaming into the spinning vortex. He then took hold of the sword and snapped it in half with his knee. Anonymous chucked the pieces into the pit and stared after them. After all he had been through, he knew he had changed. He had tested the limits of good and evil, seen wondrous things and terrible sights, rescued innocents and even taken lives himself. Still, he could not help but feel that his adventure was not yet over. Albion was safe… for now, but soon enough another force would rise to…

Voice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

A small flash flew into the room and connected with the back of Anonymous' head. Dazed and confused, he stumbled forward into the pit and fell spiraling into the abyss. The small creature stood up and walked to the edge of the vortex, waving its middle finger after him.

Girl: I TOLD YOU I KEEL YOU! AND I DO! NOW WHAT?! HUH?! PUNK!

Anonymous tumbled through space and time, finally landing with an audible thud in a pitch black room. As he looked around him, a group of faces slowly came into view. Whisper, Maze, Jack, Theresa, his Mother, Baldy, all of them were there. Even some minor characters never previously mentioned. As the faces closed in on him angrily, Anonymous sighed and stared at his feet, uttering a single word.

Shit…

THE END of chapter ten. Will Lost Chapters come soon? TIME WILL TELL. I would like to thank everyone who commented and pressured me to finish up this chapter, and again I'm sorry for taking so long. I feel now that I have found my chi, and I will try to stay on top of things. Till then, (say it with me)

I AM AT ONE WITH NUGGETS!

Sincerely yours,

Ficflicker


End file.
